Now it can be 2021

February 5, 2021 by

Happy New Year Y’all!

Yes, I know it is already February, but whatever. The end of December was all about family. Our oldest daughter got engaged!! January was a blur. Between moving our second oldest to her new college, starting the Spring semester myself, work, and *waves hands erratically* everything else, this is the first week I have felt like my daily planner was functional and not on fire. Judging from conversations I have had, I am not the only one. So, if this is you too, Happy New Year. If it isn’t, leave me your secrets in the comments.

This spring semester is already my favorite so far. I have the opportunity to take two classes that make me all giddy inside in person – like in a real class, with a real professor, with real other students, with real conversation, with real faces.

Let me take a moment to commend Georgia Southern on the job they are doing in the current environment. The safety protocols are in place and adhered to in an effort to make everyone safe and mostly comfortable. After having my last face to face class session moved to an online format, I was worried I would miss another opportunity to take face to face classes. While I am fine completing online work, there are some areas, Lit Theory, Creative Writing, Philosophy, etc., that are just different in a relational environment. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the university attempting to make that a possibility.

Back to my favorite semester so far. Astronomy and Mythology are both online. Astronomy is one of those required core classes that I only take because I have to. Still, the material is pretty interesting so that’s a win. Mythology is absolutely fascinating, and I would have preferred to take in person. Unfortunately, my schedule didn’t work that way. However, I am lucky to have kids who have loved the subject for a long time (thanks Rick Riordan). The littlest little in particular has been especially generous with her time and conversations with me. Her insight and delivery are fantastic and having the perspective of a brand-new teenager has brought a wholly different and interesting level to the subject. And, at least for now, mom is just a tiny bit cool in the eyes of my nearly 14-year-old – I’ll take that as often as she’ll give it.

Introduction to Literary Theory and Creative Writing are both face to face. Four weeks in and my mind is blown repeatedly over all the things I didn’t know about this subject that I love. More and more often I get frustrated with my high school experience. If I had known then what I know now, I am certain I would have been an academic. While I am on my way now, it is tough to feel like I will ever have enough time to acquire all knowledge I don’t have.

As skilled as I am in this whole higher learning thing, it can be intimidating to interact with some of these kids. Granted they aren’t all kids. I have a bad habit of assuming I am the oldest person in the room. I usually am, but I consistently parlay that into an “old enough to be your mother” idea – which isn’t necessarily true. I have often couched into it because it makes me feel more secure in my knowledge, in my ability to keep up; what they have in youth and pliability, I make up for in experience. That works. Usually.

But let me tell you. There are some fucking smart kids in these classes. That’s when it occurred to me how much time they still have to become even more smart, more experienced, more everything. They have so much of their best years still ahead of them. It is ridiculous really to feel like you are on the downward slope…but I am. Unless I live to be 89, I have made the halfway point of my life.

However, I don’t dwell in this idea. I can’t. I am fairly certain that it is this very kind of thinking that can catapult a person into a full-on midlife crisis happens. Next thing you know I am shopping at Forever 21, teasing my hair, and lamenting the fact that my false eyelashes slap the inside of my no line bifocals. I have an amazing non midlife crisis life. I do not have time for all that craziness.

What I do have time for is making today count. You know I love that Rocky quote – “One step at a time, one punch at time, one round at a time.” And that’s just what I am going to do.

“One step at a time, one punch at time, one round at a time.” And that’s what I am going to do.

In that vein, there will be more thoughts spurred by schoolwork here. In my Creative Writing class, we have to keep a writer’s journal – something I always meant to do, but, well, you know. But now that this writer’s journal is a requirement for a grade, a different part of my brain has kicked in. No way am I going to let the fear of writing something stupid get in the way of my 4.0 and seeing my name on the President’s List. I have hard stuff like science and math attempting to do that. But sitting down and writing a minimum of 150 words a day? Please.

In addition to the journal, we also have writing projects which he (and sometimes the class as a whole) critiques either in class or by the professor depending on the time we have. Ok, so let me be super honest and tell you the “in class” part was a surprise. And not just to me. The first time (meaning the second day of class) Dr. Morris posted one of our pieces up on the projector saying, “Ok, let’s go through what you all turned in,” there was an audible tightening in the room. And he did just that. He went through each person’s submission and read it aloud to the class. That shouldn’t be a big deal – it was.

That part has gotten easier and the class is becoming a lot of fun. Dr. Morris is fantastic about just giving us permission to have fun and suck. There’s a pretty good bit of freedom in that allowance – especially given the fact that we are spending quite a bit of time right now writing poetry. That is amazingly uncomfortable to me. I haven’t done that in almost 30 years, and it isn’t good. But have fun and don’t be afraid to suck helps. So does two fingers of scotch. I don’t even care how cliché that sounds. It is just that accurate.

Dr. Morris also gave us permission to post/publish/workshop our work outside of class. I wasn’t sure that was going to be allowed. But true to his teaching style, he just wants to see us enjoy the process and improve. He’s kind of great that way.

I say all that to say that if you start seeing stuff that looks a little different, that’s where it is coming from (or at least how it started). Also, up until now, everything in here has pretty much been my voice, my life, my truth. My person, if you will. Now, there will be things that are not my truth but my imagination. Dr. Morris (and I assume a whole host of other people) call it my persona. Just figured I’d give you a heads up before you ran across something and your brain flipped into “What the hell is going on with April?”

Or maybe the true stuff does that enough anyway so you don’t even notice anymore. Either way, Happy New Year, y’all!

P.S. Here’s the Creed clip…still proving that every life lesson you need to learn is in a Rocky movie

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Learn the Words, Do the Things

December 24, 2020 by

What is that magic quality makes some people instantly loved and respected? Everyone wants to be their friend (or, if single, their lover!) In business, they rise swiftly to the top of the corporate ladder. What is their “Midas touch?”

What it boils down to is a more skillful way of dealing with people.

Day 17 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes

I know I said I had some thoughts on the idea that “the opposite of gratitude is criticism” and I haven’t flushed them all out. And I know that I said I wasn’t indulging in the “always looking to be disgusted” trend either.

But that does not mean that I am throwing out all judgment, opinion, or critique. There are moments, times, occasions where thoughtful and honest commentary may not be entirely positive, but it is what it is.

Y’all, if this book is anything at all like the summary, the creep factor is through the roof. I mean I guess it could just be me but passages like

The sticky eye technique entails pretending your eyes is glued to your partner with a sticky warm taffy while he converses with you. Do not break eye contact during the conversation, and if you must, do it slowly and reluctantly, slowly stretching the gooey taffy until you break the tiny string.

Have your eyes glued on your target no matter who is speaking, keeping looking at him, in a way that says, “I only have eyes for you” or “I can’t take my eyes off you.” Have your eyes only on the listener, your target, not the speaker. Be extremely interested in his reactions.

The moment you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance with the warm smile, a total-body turn, undivided attention you could accord a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turn your acquaintance face up to yours, give a big toothless grin. Pivot 100% towards your new acquaintance and say, “I think you are very, very special.”

That last one is called the “Big-Baby Pivot” technique. I shit you not.

However, I will find a healthy dose of gratitude as I am committed to find the gift in all things. And although the “Epoxy Eyes” technique isn’t one of them, there were a few takeaways that reminded me about all the smart shit I want to take into 2021 with me.

The first centers on words. And I am a lover of words. The summary threw out a statistic that stated the vocabulary word count difference between upper and middle class folks was only 50 words. The author suggested that if you replaced some of your “common” vocabulary for two months, you could become verbally elite.

So, I hit the google. And it is pretty much just what you would think

  • Children that are read to have a higher probability of succeeding in school
  • Economic and social status is proportional to word count
  • Older people know more words than younger people

Additionally, there were tons of differences in estimates depending on whether the criteria for knowing a word was “I know what it means” or “I know it’s a word.”

What was not to be found anywhere was that 50 number.

Oh! Fun fact. Folks who generally read “lots” AND read fiction “lots” know more words than people who read “lots” BUT read fiction “somewhat” or “never.” The theory there is fiction uses a broader scope of words than non-fiction. Just a little piece of science you can throw at someone who criticizes your brain candy reading choices 😊  

The author had a neat tip that she called “Scramble Therapy.”

Every month participate in an activity you have never done before, do something you never dream of doing — scramble your life. Go to an exhibition, participate in a sport, hear a lecture on a new topic…Every month, participate in an activity you have never done before, do something you never dream of doing – scramble your life.

So, the author’s motivation is to have experiences that will allow you to develop “the right lingo and appropriate insider questions” to have in your arsenal when you talk to people. Whatever works for her I suppose.

But the experience itself motivates me.

I am reminded of the quote by Thomas Fuller (don’t be mad – he did say it before Benjamin Franklin)

…either do things worth the writing, or write things worth the reading.

And to that, I say “YES!”

I took a few vocabulary tests. I found it more fun than the developers probably intended.

So, I paid the $2.99 and downloaded the Vocabulary app. I am looking at Moosh as well because, well, you know, graduate school is going to be a thing. But we aren’t there yet. Right now, I just want to see if I can raise these two scores.

It’s getting a little late in the day so the search for the best way to stay current on crazy stuff to do every month. But I did put it on my project tracker so maybe I’ll remember to get around to it.

I am still feeling a kind of way about the summary. I think it stems from what I perceive to be misguided intentions. Or probably more accurate, misguided goals. I don’t want everyone to like me. I mean, sure, conflict isn’t fun. Being disliked is not my favorite thing to be. But what type of octopus style squishing and bending and conforming would one have to do to be liked all the time? How much time are we wasting by putting up our representative instead of just starting out with out authentic selves?

How much time are we wasting…

Nope, it is time for me to jump on my Peloton. I’ll keep you posted on the vocabulary and scramble stuff. Maybe you’ll decide to join me. And by me, I mean me – not my representative. You can leave yours home too 😊

Filed Under: Chrysalis Tagged With: ,

Context. Humility. Humanity.

December 23, 2020 by

Something is very wrong, Gladwell argues, with the tools and strategies we use to make sense of people we don’t know. And because we don’t know how to talk to strangers, we are inviting conflict and misunderstanding in ways that have a profound effect on our lives and our world. 

Day 16 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell

This one went on my TBR list after I finished the summary. I may not ever read it in its entirety, but I put it on there anyway as a reminder that, should the opportunity present itself, I am going to read it.

First, let me acknowledge a slight bias towards Malcolm Gladwell. I enjoy his work. I understand and acknowledge the criticism – he is a storyteller not a scientist – and I read his work with that understanding. But I still read his work. I don’t think his lack of scientific credentials precludes him from being able to understand, interpret, and relay that information in digestible ways to interested readers.

I understand his context and do not hold him accountable to an alternative context.

Which, interestingly enough, is the basis for Talking to Strangers (okay, so even I am a little smirky about how that segue just kinda wrote itself).

For all the reasons discussed yesterday, I haven’t read much Gladwell lately. Honestly, I knew nothing about this 2019 publication until the summary. And it struck me as so intuitively interesting that I almost wrote about all the things it made me think about and take a break from the 28 days.

But I really want to get through these 28 days.

I understand that I can do what I want. I understand that I have the permission to be flexible. I totally get that sometimes life just does what it does and you have to pivot.

I get it.

I also know that my choices in this matter are not life or death. I also know that there is no deadline for ideas, there is no commerce in this work, there is no customer to please, no order to fill, no bills to pay.

In other words, making an allowance for this diversion of course is simply indulgent and without discipline. Saying “no” to that is the better option. Continuing, finishing, that’s the higher good here. It is the option I rarely choose when confronted with something interesting. I always have good intentions of correcting course, and sometimes I do. But, more often than not, it’s a rabbit hole and I chalk up yet one more “little project” that never quite got to see its shiny bow of completion.

So instead, I am going to just do what I do here in my space and hope it doesn’t so put you off that you never come back (yeah – all 12 of you).

These are things in the summary that made my brain light up:

In order to have a good interaction with a stranger, hostile or friendly, we need to make an accurate assessment of their context.

…it helps to know that there is so much about [strangers] we do not know. This allows us to caution ourselves and avoid the temptation of making judgments based on our own worldview.

The illusion of asymmetric insight makes us convince ourselves that we know others better than they know us and that we have insights about them that they lack

The same people who claimed that the [word completion] exercise had no meaning were now passing judgment on strangers based on their word completion exercises. None of them seemed remotely aware that they had been caught in a contradiction. Pronin described this phenomenon as the “illusion of asymmetric insight.”

We judge others using standards we are not willing to hold ourselves up to.

We do not behave, in other words, like sober-minded scientists, slowly gathering evidence of the truth or falsity of something before reaching a conclusion. We do the opposite. We start by believing. And we stop believing only when our doubts and misgivings rise to the point where we can no longer explain them away.

Part of what it means to get to know someone is to come to understand how idiosyncratic their emotional expressions can be

But the requirement of humanity means that we have to tolerate an enormous amount of error.

Maybe it is just me and my current state of feels that has these ideas touching all the parts of my brain. Maybe it is my inability to large scale disgust. Maybe it’s the levels of sad created in me by the flippant treatment people give themselves and others. Maybe I just need more coffee. Whatever it is, this idea of context, humility, grace just hits me right in the “YES!”

I listed all these things just in case I find it in me to come back to the moment where I thought digression would be a good idea. If I do decide to come back, maybe this small road map will be enough to put me back in the headspace to contend with all these different ideas.

But if it isn’t, allow me to attempt to shorthand my high points and forgive me if I fail in the eloquence department.

2020 has been different for everyone. In fact, folks look at me a little crazy when I say I am not really mad it; I haven’t had a terrible year. Sure, the year has been different. I think it goes without saying that there have been some devastating factors…

At this moment I realize I risk coming off disinterested and cold in my honesty. It is in this moment I typically start exhaustively explaining myself so that I will not be misunderstood. I am not doing that today. If you chose to read it that way, that’s on you – I know who I am, and you obviously don’t. I’m happy to have coffee and allow us both to get to know each other a little better.

…I think it goes without saying that there have been some devastating factors. I do not stick my head in the sand, create alternate realities where they do not exist, or downplay their significance. I am not avoiding harsh realities.

So too am I not allowing difficulties to easily change who I am as a person. “Easily” is pretty important as I understand there are some unavoidable shifts and there are potential events that are monumental enough to remodel.

But I will not allow the changing face of the world to change the way I face people. Correction, I will not allow the changing face of the world to cause me to…nope, no correction. I meant what I said.

I have worked pretty hard to take people in their context – the whole of their context. Doing it any other way is a disservice to both them and I.

Example (and this has come up more often recently as broad sweeping assumptions and hard lines of judgement have become more common): I had a conversation with one of the kids. They were super distraught that “such disrespectful people” filled their foray into the larger world. Upon further conversation, this judgement was based primarily on the lack of “sir” and “ma’am” being used consistently.

This is not a respect issue. This is a context issue. I explained that the common use of “sir” and “ma’am” is a cultural ideal. There are wonderful people all over the planet that have never used the courtesy because to them, it is unknown and/or irrelevant. Their idea of respect is not wrapped up in this particular idea, but in wholly different ideals. If we used that one characteristic to decide the integrity of a person, we will misjudge. That error is on the one passing judgement, not the one being judged.

And therein lies a greater truth. When judgements are passed, it is often more a statement of the -ing person, not the -ed.

My brain is becoming full of frustration. My heart is becoming heavy with inability. I so much want to say the thing that will alter the ideas of those who look to find fault, look to judge, look to be angry, thirst for the feeling of indignation.

But I don’t have it. I can only commit to not indulging in it.

Filed Under: Chrysalis Tagged With: ,

Quality. Need. Connection.

December 22, 2020 by

Our personal growth and evolution are highly dependent on how well we connect with our fellow humans. Connecting with others makes us feel safe, feel loved and makes us live longer.

Day 15 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

First, I need to express gratitude for how thrilled I am that I have emerged from the “money & career” week. I’m not knocking it. That’s just not where I am. There have been moments in my life where that was my focus (hence the fact that I had already read 5/7 books offered). And occasionally I dip my toe back in for a little refresher, focuser, ass kick (typically a quick Gary Vee podcast will do it). So, going seven days straight with those summaries became a bit…tiresome.

However, this exercise isn’t about doing what I do when it is fun or easy. It is about building a discipline. Therefore, I feel good about making it through and I am not sorry I combined the last two days OR that I am more excited to move into week three – Love and Sex.

I am glad I was excited. The title of this first offering put me off. The beginning and end of the summary made it better. The middle, not so much.

I’ll explain the put off first.

  • “Make people like you”
  • “Anything that increases the common ground and reduces the distance between you and the other person is a good thing.”
  • “…synchronization gives off the illusion that you deeply relate to the person’s concerns and share their feelings.”

Just yuck. All of that sounds like manipulation and fakery. I can’t get down with either of those things.

But excitement can often lend itself to optimism and that is exactly what has happened here. I noted that I was, in fact, reading a summary. I am well aware that certain ideas can lose their nuance sans context. Because of all the other things I appreciated about this text, I am giving up the yuck to the assumption that context would make it better. Could I be wrong? Sure. It’s worth being wrong to pull the lovely out of the message.

And it was lovely.

Nicholas Boothman identifies two attitude types – Really Useful or Really Useless. Yes, they are capitalized and I kinda love that.

The importance for the Really Useful Attitude is established in the importance placed on connection. This is where I found all the lovely and the inspiration.

The truth is no one can live a quality life in isolation; we need other people to survive. Our personal growth and evolution are highly dependent on how well we connect with our fellow humans.

Quality. Need. Connection.

I feel this in my bones. I have seen it repeatedly. It has changed dramatically in my own life.

I made 44 this year. I absolutely love that. I always answer the “how old are you” question proudly. I was more excited than anyone I know to turn 40. I own all my time, all my years, all my experience. I enjoy the journey of getting older.

And there are things you aren’t quite ready for – things that you wish someone would have told you about so you could be ready. And maybe they did, and you just couldn’t hear it because you can never be ready.

Things like the way your lipstick starts to feather, maintaining a pant size becomes more difficult, sleep patterns shift, patience waxes and wanes in various areas, number of fucks given start to decline, hormones shift, tolerance changes, boundaries move.

You think you are controlling these things, but it is different. Age changes things on a molecular level and you cannot control that. You just have to accept the movement and figure out how to make it work for you.

I made a lot of changes when I turned 40. Damn near all of them. As I look back, I am shocked I made it out as well as I did. It was reckless…”damn the torpedoes” comes to mind. But I did it and it created an overarching shift in everything. Everything. Every. Thing.

At first, I surrounded myself with all the people. I was scared and unsure. I needed distraction and acceptance. That required all the people. This worked fine for me because I have always been extroverted (you’re shocked, I know).

It didn’t last long. The brilliant words of my therapist kept ringing in my ear. “The intensity of the need for distraction increases with the intensity of avoidance.” Yeah, she is THAT good.

If I was going to reclaim my life, I had stop avoiding it. I had to go deep to figure out what the hell was going on. I spent a lot of time there.

I still spend a lot of time there. I have learned a lot about boundaries, energy, intention, authenticity, influence, and relationship. The result has thankfully been that I am more comfortable with myself. The byproduct has also been that I am less comfortable with people. More correctly, I am less comfortable with Useless Attitude people.

In the beginning of the pandemic, I did not leave my home for nearly three months. This is a thing I have never done, come close to doing, or even considered. It was interesting. Most notably, I enjoyed it – a lot. It provided a large chunk of time for me to establish what I would do if I had to do nothing. It enabled a period of clarity that was both eye-opening and comfortable.

The pandemic also created a lens through which we could see other people. A new form of interaction that I can only label as “combative compassion” emerged. It was distressful for me. It is still distressful for me. It also loosened a bit more the hold other people’s opinions have on my mental wellbeing. Lines drawn became so hard as to be unrealistic. Judgements became so singular as to be unfair. The idea of “pigeonholed” reached ridiculous heights.

Attitudes became Useless. Caring for people became a hammer. My ability to people plummeted.

But relationship is so very important. Quality. Need. Connection.

Then it occurred to me while reading this summary that I could, in theory, apply these principles to myself. Connect with myself, listen to myself, impress myself, synchronize with myself, create a Really Useful Attitude towards myself. Make me like myself in 90 seconds or less. Then put that energy out into the world in a way that is open to connecting with like energy. I know there is a lot of it out there. Instead of focusing on being more peoply, I will just be useful and focus on being people ready.

That seriously reduces the yuck.

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Craft Your Life, Your Way

December 15, 2020 by

The 80/20 principle teaches that there is an imbalance in nature; that only a few things really influence the majority of things.

Day 13 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less by Richard Koch

Jen Smith, the author of this guide and the creator of the debt freedom blog Saving with Spunk, went from not being able to stick to a budget longer than two weeks, to paying off $78,000 of debt in less than two years. How did she do this? Read up to find out how you can too!

Day 14 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The No-Spend Challenge Guide: How to Stop Spending Money Impulsively, Pay off Debt Fast, & Make Your Finances Fit Your Dreams by Jen Smith

I don’t know if this will be a trend, but it would appear that the end of this week (like the end of last week) is suitable for a twofer. So, I give you Day 13 and 14 in one post – but backwards.

Day 14 goes first because there’s nothing to say. Have a budget, don’t spend money like an idiot. Done. Next book.

Ok, seriously. If you have a problem with spending money, maybe this book will help. Try it if you want. I didn’t find anything about this one helpful because my problem with spending money has nothing to do with a budget, lack of thrifty ideas, or not understanding how basic money principles work. My vacillating ability to spend or not spend money comes from a multitude of other mental relationships that have almost nothing to do with money. Therefore, this type of “fix your money problem” book was never going to interest me.

So, there’s that.

And honestly, I don’t remember the 80/20 Principle being so, well, boring. In fact, I remember it quite fondly. Again, my experience with executive summaries is fairly limited so maybe this one just isn’t a great representation. But it was just meh – and I still recommend the book.

I will say that this particular summary instigated a thought connection that I don’t remember having the first time around.

I don’t even know how to piece all these different bits of information together. Hang on and let’s just see what happens.

So, the executive summary mentions the Pareto Principle. Originally noted by Italian economist Villfredo Pareto and then improved and developed over time, the Pareto Principle states that for many outcomes roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of the causes (the “vital few”).

Then it gets into leveraging time. I am all about leveraging time. And it occurred to me that everyone does that differently.

Case in point: I decided to hire a housekeeper almost two years ago. It has been one of the best decisions of my adult life. I am not a person who finds cleaning cathartic. Actually, I find it quite the opposite. I am, however, the kind of person who finds comfort in a certain level of order.

Ugh, Mark Twain said, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” And those aren’t quite the right words.

I am not someone who requires high levels of cleanliness and order. However, my brain rests, my soul relaxes, and my creativity moves easier when there isn’t shit all over the place. I suppose that’s better. You’ll just have to make it up for yourself or ask if that doesn’t make any sense. I’ve decided much of this is just a hair above journaling – I am not gonna wear myself out with the edits.

Anyway, many of the reasons I waited so long to do this have nothing to do with me or money – they centered around what somebody else thought other people would think. I didn’t get that. I mean, housekeepers expect a certain level of mess – it’s literally what they do. They aren’t gonna go back and talk shit to other people about your messy house. And who cares if you hire a housekeeper?

So evidently, I was half right. Housekeepers do not give a shit about your messy house – it’s why they are there and as long as you aren’t a dick, the relationship blossoms into something beautiful. I literally worship both people who have worked in my home and they know if. They make my life infinitely better and I make sure to tell them that all the time.

And evidently some people do care. It’s weird to have folks who aren’t paying your bills or cleaning your house have such interesting opinions on how you accomplish that for yourself.

But people will always have opinions. I have them and I have to check them.

Case in point: Lady in one of my Facebook groups asks for everyone to share their morning routine. As you and I have already discussed, “routine” has a slightly different definition in my world. And I said so is a typical flippant way. “Coffee. All of it. Then *waves hands erratically* whatever comes next.” My tribe was there and we supported each other’s own brand of chaos.

Then there was the other.

5:30 Alarm
5:32 weight and potty
5:41 yoga
6:09 make organic kale Greek yogurt smoothie
6:15 journaling and gratitude
6:45 you get the picture

And her tribe was there, and they supported each other’s own brand of order.

And I rolled my eyes. I am not proud of that, but I am honest. And I thought about it. My eyes rolled because (more honesty), my knee jerk is people that say stuff like that are full of shit. Again, not proud, just telling you how the brain works. I get this full vision of some chick who hasn’t properly washed her hair in days because she is too busy trying to get her Instagram feed properly curated.

And that’s not fair. Moreover, it probably isn’t accurate. I tell people all the time, “If you knew the half of how chaotic my life actually is, you wouldn’t believe it.” And that’s true. So why can’t the other extreme be just as true? Just because I can’t fathom how that works doesn’t mean it doesn’t. And this nice woman doesn’t need or deserve my judgement. If I give her the same consideration I give myself, it is super easy to see – she has a life that works for her. She understands what it might look like to others, but she doesn’t care. She isn’t living for the “others.”

And that’s the only way to utilize the power of the 80/20 rule. It isn’t enough to understand it, believe in it’s realness, trust in the implications. You have to be willing to craft your life, your way. People say that kind of thing all the time without really digging into what that means on a personal level.

Living life on your terms, your way, without apology typically has a lot of people looking for an apology – or at the very least, an explanation – whether it is warranted or not. Be gentle with them and yourself. Everyone gets accustomed to a certain flow. When that flow is disrupted, people get a little agitated. It is to be expected. Check your judgements. Craft your life. Just keep swimming.

Oh. And coffee 😉

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Positive > Negative

December 13, 2020 by

Originally published in 1936, How to Win Friends & Influence People is one of the most timeless and iconic books of a lifetime, a book which has changed the lives of millions. If you crave the secrets to friendship and business influence, you’re about to be enlightened. Through the expert words of Dale Carnegie, remastered for this, the most digital of ages, be ready to have your eyes firmly opened. Success awaits!

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.” Dale Carnegie

Day 12 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age by Dale Carnegie, Brent Cole

Another great pull. This book is on must “must read” list for anyone who enjoys the self-development genre of books. Carnegie is as relevant now as he was back then. This updated edition incorporates the digital component into the old practices.

It always surprises me the things that need to be said

  • Remove clothes BEFORE putting them in the wash
  • Wash your hands
  • Call your mom
  • Don’t be a dick

But evidently, even back in Dale Carnegie’s day, that last one was a thing.

We should shift the focus of our social media from aggressive and critical to positive and encouraging…We need to be more careful about what we post on social media. A bad post can come back to bite you in the future.

And more than just the future, let’s talk about right now. How long did that nasty post take to write? You coulda called your mom instead. My daughter came to me worried that people wouldn’t like her. I told her, “Baby girl, there are seven BILLION people on the planet. Somebody is not going to like you. Don’t worry about those people. I don’t have enough time in my day for all the people I LOVE, there’s no way I would waste time with people I don’t.”

And basically, that’s the entire premise of the book and as well it should be. Pay attention to the needs and feelings of others. Give credit where credit is due. Don’t be a mooch. Practice empathy. Be real. Be friendly. Admit when you’re wrong.

Don’t be a dick.

Like seriously, what’s the point?

Ok, so sometimes there’s a point. Sometimes I have the time and I feel okay about rolling in the mud just a bit. But I mean usually.

Look for the positive points in other people, rather than focusing on the negatives.

This is damn near the mantra of my life – except when it isn’t. And there are those times. Look, I am probably one of the most positive people around. I am also positive that sometimes I just get pissed off and in my feelings. It happens. Sometimes it’s justified, sometimes it isn’t. But 0 out of all the times I have decided to “speak first / think later” has the shit that come out of my mouth been the right thing to say. Sometimes it isn’t terrible, sometimes it’s even true, but it is never right.

We have all been there and will be there again. The world can get shitty, people can get peoplely, we can get irritable. I have worked super hard to create some tools for getting over myself so I can get out of my feelings and into the world of effectiveness.

I am the queen of the “get over yourself shower.” This one works amazing, but it really pisses me off when I need one right after I blow my hair out. I have a hella lot of hair and that shit takes a really long time. It usually lasts for a few days before I have to wash it. Anyway, the shower is private so I can cry, talk to myself, I can bring a drink with me, I turn the water on scalding, wash my hair, and just steam up the bathroom until my brain fog clears. It’s amazing.

Sometimes I also hold myself together pretty good with high caloric food, booze, and cardio. You just have to find what works for you.

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You Can’t Afford My Calendar

December 12, 2020 by

If you could leave the 9-5 rat race, retire faster than you ever thought possible, and have the time and financial freedom to travel the world, how would your life and relationships change? All these are possible, no matter the job you’re currently working, or how deeply indebted you are. The 4-Hour Workweek is a terribly practical handbook on creating the lifestyle you want — and deserve. No theories. No B.S., strictly practical information.

Day 11 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss

I first read this book about a decade ago when I was attempting to take my life to the next level. I liked it then and I still like it today.

The executive summary forward (above), however, does not do the book any favors. There’s a couple of things to note about The 4-Hour Workweek.

  • If you are incapable of thinking for yourself, this is not the book for you. Because…
  • If you think you are going to jump into a four-hour work week because you threw down $10-$20 for a book, you are probably gonna miss a light bill

The rest of the summary isn’t so…gimmicky. I don’t remember Ferris being that way either (if he had been, I don’t think I would have enjoyed it). I think the Goodreads blurb is better.

He has spent more than five years learning the secrets of the New Rich, a fast-growing subculture who has abandoned the “deferred-life plan” and instead mastered the new currencies-time and mobility-to create luxury lifestyles in the here and now. Whether you are an overworked employee, or an entrepreneur trapped in your own business, this book is the compass for a new and revolutionary world.

Or, at the very least, it speaks to me differently. See, I have a strong agreement with the idea that, as currency, time and mobility are every bit as important as money.

Don’t misunderstand me. I have been without money. I have been negative money. And maybe one day I will be there again. Anything is possible. But today, I feel pretty good about my financial situation. And in each of these instances, time and mobility were and are just as important as money.

Sometimes I think we confuse “urgency” for “importance.” If a bill needs paying, money is the currency. If a project must be completed or a vacation is being had, time is the currency. If a love one needs you, mobility is the currency. When we don’t have one of these when we need them, it isn’t than one if more important, it’s simply the need is more urgent.

Today, I am far stingier with my time than I am my money. I make professional decisions based on calendar sacrifices. I have told more than one person who wanted to pay me to do something I wasn’t interested in doing, “You can’t afford my calendar.” That’s not arrogance. That is honesty. That’s balance. That’s maintaining priorities.

I don’t require a 4-hour work week. I love the work I do. Sure, sometimes it is stressful, but if it were easy, everybody would do it and where’s the value for me in that? The truth is, I don’t require a standard work week at all. There have been times where I worked 60 – 70 hours a week. There are times I work 2. I don’t really pay attention to how much I work. I pay attention to the results.

And I appreciate Ferris’ acknowledgement of this idea.

There is really nothing wrong with this arrangement if it’s something you enjoy.

And there’s the big idea. What do you have to do to create the life you want to live? What’s the currency budget? What are the priorities? What are the steps?

For me, one of the very first steps is always answering the question, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”  This isn’t negative thinking. For me, this is calling all the fear out, front and center, right off the bat, so it doesn’t sneak up on me and paralyze me later.

And I am way overly dramatic with my answers because I need them to be honest. I don’t need to be timid in addressing my fears because they WILL show up; it’s not if, it’s when.

For instance, when Mike told me he loved me, had always loved me, and would always love me, I thought, “Ok, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Answer: He has spent the last 17 years hating me and devising a horrid plan to wreck my entire life and leave me in a bayou somewhere.

Or, when we decided to go out on our own and start our own business. “Ok, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Answer: This could be a complete financial ruin, we lose everything, and end up in a cardboard box under the bridge.

Told you – dra.ma.tic.

What has actually happened? The couple starring in the best love story of all time is having a lot of fun running a pretty successful little shop.

But I faced the fear, the absolute worst thing. And I asked myself, “Can you come back from that?” The answer both times was “yes” so I kept moving forward.

Now don’t get me wrong. That shit is still scary. I am scared most of the time. A person can’t function that way, at least I can’t. So, I have learned that just because I feel afraid, doesn’t mean I have to behave afraid. And if I know I can come back from whatever the worst possible thing is, I can keep moving forward – for the next 4 hours or 40 😊

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Real Positive Thinking

December 9, 2020 by

Think and Grow Rich has been called the “Granddaddy of All Motivational Literature.” It was the first book to boldly ask, “What makes a winner?” The man who asked and listened for the answer, Napoleon Hill, is now counted in the top ranks of the world’s winners himself. The most famous of all teachers of success spent “a fortune and the better part of a lifetime of effort” to produce the “Law of Success” philosophy that forms the basis of his books and that is so powerfully summarized in this one.
Day 10 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

I like this one. I’ve always liked this one. There is something about understanding the power and importance of positive thinking that has always appealed to me. Probably because I think I am allergic to negativity. That shit gets on me and it messes me up. I just can’t live there.

Seriously, there have been folks that deserve to have negative shit about them in my brain. I just don’t do it well (or at least for very long). I LOVE laughing at petty memes and WISH I could be that person, but I can’t.

Alright, not all of that last paragraph is totally true, and that’s kind of how I feel about the entirety of Think and Grow Rich – any idea can be taken into absurdity, throwing the whole idea away because it doesn’t always work is also absurd, and sometimes mostly true is true enough. This isn’t math we are talking about here.

The truth is that I don’t have a lot of negative shit about other people in my head. And I am a little petty. And I don’t really wish I was edgy enough to be really petty. And while that is more true, unless we are being super literal, the way it was stated the first time is pretty true as well.

And that is the way I have begun to change my approach positive thinking. I am naturally an optimist…ugh…this may get long because I feel like that statement just needs more, I need a bit more, to flesh it out.

It is no secret I have an unhealthy relationship with fear. I have discussed it ad nauseum. I am proud that it is getting better. I am honest enough to admit that it is still a thing.

When I scorched the earth that was my life 4 years ago, let me try to explain what that looks like. You know how when a building gets demolished and one second everything is the place it belongs – Company A’s desks are on their floor, in their space, Company B has their file cabinets in their space, Company C’s computers are in their office, the coffee shop has its cups on its shelves. Then BOOM! Demolished. Now there is just shit everywhere and it is a mess. You can walk through the rubble and see pieces of a desk, a file cabinet, a computer, a coffee cup. But which piece belongs to which desk and is that the coffee shop’s cup or somebody that worked in Company B, and this hard drive somehow made it through so it’s a good hard drive but is it Company C’s hard drive? You just don’t know.

That’s how it feels to shift through the rubble when you blow up your life. The pieces all look like they belong to you because you have stored them for so long. But they don’t. Some of the pieces are from other people’s shit that they put on you, shit you picked up on the side of the road that you should have just left where it lay, baggage that looked like yours when you claimed it but actually had a whole wardrobe that was not your size. But it’s all a big heap of mess and it is so hard to tell. So, I had to start sifting through the rubble trying to figure out how to sort it into what was mine and what isn’t.

The positive thinking is all mine. I am certain that one of my core beliefs is life is too short to spend time on nasty. I am certain that I let go of grudges easily, find the good intentionally, and move past situations better than some because that is who I am as a person.

The optimism, on the other hand, is only partially mine. I do assume good. However, if I am not careful, I will irrationally assume good because I am afraid of what it means if it is or gets bad – think head in sand. That is not productive – that’s delusion.

So now I work on being a real optimist. Not a realist optimist. But a real to the philosophical definition of optimist:

a person who believes that this world is the best of all possible worlds or that good must ultimately prevail over evil. – Oxford Dictionary

There is piece here that is super important to me – the acknowledgment of evil. Bad things are just an “is” thing. They will happen. They have happened. Looking for and hoping for the good does not allow me the ability to ignore that bad or the possibility of bad simply because it makes me uncomfortable and afraid.

This is important for a whole lot of reasons. Specific to this topic is the idea of positive thinking. If we take Napoleon Hill literally (which he may have intended and some may do), there is nothing we can’t do if we believe it hard enough.

Once you believe in an idea, keep don’t give up when things inevitably get a little tough.

If you give up, how can you be sure that you didn’t miss out on something amazing?

Autosuggestion can help you program your brain to believe whatever you want to become true.

This may all be literally true. I don’t know. I don’t have the time or patience to test it. Maybe I actually could believe hard enough and develop a divaesque singing voice (before you encourage that, you need to hear me sing – it’s really bad). Maybe I could slam dunk a basketball. Maybe I could memorize the Oxford dictionary (that would be soooooo cool). But I don’t have it in me to test it because I am not willing to give up all the other things I would have to sacrifice to devote that time to it.

I know for as many “didn’t give up and break through was right around the corner” stories, there are equal numbers of “it never happened.” That’s because the “just when I was about to give up, I succeeded” stories are only cool because it worked out that way. The lost item is always the last place you look. That’s just how life works.

Positive thinking isn’t about being blindly (or fearfully) optimistic. It’s not about beating your head up against a nearly impossible goal at the expense of everything else. It’s not about taking fiction and repeating it like a mantra so that it becomes true.

It is about believing that the greater good, the strength, the worthiness is available to you if you know where to look.

Napoleon Hill said, “Every adversity, every failure, every heartbreak, carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” THAT is positive thinking. THAT is the money shot. THAT Is the one idea that, if you can repeat it often enough until you believe it, makes you, makes me, unstoppable.

In case you are wondering, I believe it most of the time, so I am still somewhat stoppable. I do not expect it to be that way for long so if you are looking to take your shot, you should probably hurry 😊

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It Doesn’t Have to be That Way

December 8, 2020 by

This book is about the story of Kiyosaki who has two fathers. The poor dad was his biological father, and the rich dad was the father of his childhood best friend, who taught him the financial education to become rich.
Day 9 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
Rich Dad Poor Dad, by Robert Kiyosaki

Today’s read is on of the two this week that I have not read previously in their entirety. I have always intended to. It just wasn’t one of those things I ever got around to.

I still won’t after reading the summary. Again, there are great reviews and Kiyosaki has way more money than me and keeps making more money so again, I am going to blame it on the summary and you please feel free to pick up the book if it moves you. I am going to take a minute and talk about why things just don’t have to be that way.

The summary (if perhaps not the book itself) goes to great lengths to convince the reader that a regular job (think W-2) is the devil and that we must be willing to take risks (1099 and Schedule B). I mean, it gets pretty combative:

You do all the work, and your employer, the government and your bills take the rewards leaving you with little or nothing to save.

Once you’re stuck in the rat race, your boss, not you, will get rich from your hard work.

People who are stuck in this never-ending race often don’t seem to be happy while they rush to work, scared of getting there too late and getting fired.

Rat racers are stuck in the rut of doing what they were conditioned to do.

After having studied and gotten good grades, they now have a job paying well. But despite having followed all the conventional advice from teachers, family, and society, they don’t experience financial growth.

Really?

So, I have employees and I am not rich. I also didn’t just go, “hey, I’m tired of working and I just want to make a bunch of money so how about I hire some dumbass rat racers so I don’t have to do shit ever except be rich.” Entrepreneurship doesn’t work that way.

It’s working all day every day so you can keep a regular job while building the side hustle. It’s about wearing out the soles of shoes pacing over the decision to quit that paycheck job and go out on your own. It is second guessing everything you have ever done. It is balancing your checkbook. Every. Single. Day because you can’t afford one more overdraft fee. It is taking over the dining room because you aren’t at the point where you can afford a proper office. It’s shuffling money so the lights don’t get turned off, the car stays in the driveway, and kids eat well enough so they don’t know how hard it really is.

It is agonizing over the first hire because holy shit this person is counting on you to make sure you are successful enough to be able to write their paycheck come Friday because they are shuffling money so the lights don’t get turned off, the car stays in the driveway, and kids eat well enough so they don’t know how hard it really is.

So take all the seats with that “the boss is the man and stepping on the necks of the entitled.” I made more money in my W-2 job than others with the same job because I earned it. I make more money than others working in my company for the same reason.

Speaking of which – I was no better or worse a professional when my money was reported to the government via W2 or 1099. Both of those roads are admirable. Hospitals, protection services, educational centers are full of W2 employees. Bankruptcy courts see 1099 folks all the time. To attempt to attach a value of worth on where a person chooses to plot their course is the worst type of hype baiting.

It just doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s an idea. How about we just pass on all the neat information we have learned without creating demons where they aren’t needed? Seriously. If I look at you and say, “If I showed you some information that could make you more financially savvy and possibly more financially secure, would you be interested?” are you gonna say no? Probably not and I didn’t have to tack on the finger wagging “because you know other people are pieces of shit for making money off of you and other people are pieces of shit for making money.” Not true and not necessary.

And maybe you are one of those folks who really just don’t care a whole lot about money and say, “nah fam, I appreciate it but I’m good.” Then the whole “people are pieces of shit” commentary still isn’t any good because that’s not even the point now anyway.

I get so frustrated with the bumper sticker environment that reduces complex ideas to Side A and Side B with arguments that are not true at best and fabricated at worst – and all for the benefit of the person. That’s not just dishonest – it’s selfish. You’d rather be right, be on the right side – even when there is no such thing. We literally make something wrong just so that we can be right. Villainize so we can be heroes. Demonize so we can be righteous. And if you think I am just talking about W-2s and 1099, I can assure you I am not.

It just doesn’t have to be that way. Life is too sweet, short, and complex to insist on being indignant and disgusted, pulled around by the nose by the avis du jour.

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Effective > Efficient

December 7, 2020 by

The best way to achieve sustainable change is to develop healthy habits. The 7 habits shared presented here are pragmatic and universal irrespective of who you are or where you live right now.
Day 8 of the 28 Day Self-Growth Plan
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

As much as I actually enjoyed last week (even the misses), I must admit I was looking forward to this week for different reasons. Sure, it has been great exercise getting into the writing groove again. It has been inspiring and motivating to get little crash courses of self-development work.

But this week I knew I had read, in their entirety, five of the seven titles. This would be the week where I could fairly decide whether the other summaries I had read before and will read later were decent in their content. I don’t know why this was important to me except that maybe I felt compelled to give the ones I didn’t particularly care for last week the benefit of the doubt.

Well, that discussion will have to wait for another time because I have been firmly reminded how good The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People really is. Seriously, if you haven’t read this book in its full-length format, I cannot recommend it enough. The Franklin Covey website states it best:

Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®, continues to be a best seller for the simple reason that it ignores trends and pop psychology and focuses on timeless principles of fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity. 

And honestly, I know I said I wasn’t going to just book report this stuff, but 7 Habits is bullet point worthy.

The executive summary points out the key areas of focus to achieve effectiveness. As one would suspect, each of these seven areas coincides with a habit. Why do I trust the habits? Because I believe you are hard pressed to find a better focus list.

  • Focus 1: To choose to be proactive rather than reactive
    Habit 1: Be proactive
  • Focus 2: To visualize the end of an endeavor before we begin it
    Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind
  • Focus 3: To schedule our priorities rather than prioritizing our schedule
    Habit 3: Schedule your priorities
  • Focus 4: To seek what is beneficial for everyone involved
    Habit 4: Think win-win
  • Focus 5: To understand others first so that they can understand us
    Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood
  • Focus 6: To work with others to achieve exponential results
    Habit 6: Synergize
  • Focus 7: To keep an effective system running
    Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

I could stop here. Really, there’s so much there that adding my little two cents won’t increase the worth at all. But I am excited about it. So that’s what I want to tell you about. That’s the part I want to record.

I know that I have heard the idea before, but on this day in 2020, “Many of us are working efficiently but not effectively. We are achieving goals that won’t matter in the end” just hit different.

How long have I strived to be efficient? How many times just since last week have I talked about my time management and scheduling difficulties? Organization, planning, prioritizing – all in the name of efficiency. Because really, if I get MORE done (efficient) regardless of WHAT (importance) those check marks are, isn’t that a win? In short, no, it isn’t. How much would I miss out on by not focusing more on effectiveness?

And because that idea struck me in a new way, so did the idea of quadrants.

Quadrant 1 – Urgent/Important
Quadrant 2 – Not Urgent/Important
Quadrant 3 – Urgent/Not Important
Quadrant 4 – Not Urgent/Not Important

Which Quadrant should I focus most on? Instinctively I said Quadrant 1. I was wrong. It is Quadrant 2. Of course it is Quadrant 2. These are the important, non-urgent things

  • The kid that will wait for you to read to him
  • The friend that understands when you don’t call back
  • The spouse that keeps dinner warm
  • The sibling whose birthday gets forgotten
  • The gym schedule that keeps getting put off
  • The vacation that never gets planned

Not urgent because the world won’t burn down if you don’t do them. The people that love you will understand, mostly. Your body will make do without self-care, for a time. Mostly, and only for a time.

That’s why I am here right now. I haven’t stopped since 4:30 this morning. I have all these things that are “important” and “urgent.” And I do not make light of them. I respect the importance and time sensitive nature of my work and those who depend on me to meet deadlines.

I also know that I put more pressure on myself to overperform. I attempt to deliver higher quality at an earlier date. While commendable, is that type of quadrant placement effective?

No.

Writing is important to me. Exercise is important to me. Morning coffee, a movie with my family, schedule flexibility for my husband, college. These things are important to me as well. They deserve the effective, engaged, productive, parts of me – not the efficient, mark the box version.

Sharpen the saw…even when you don’t realize it is dull…keep sharpening.

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