Now it can be 2021

February 5, 2021 by

Happy New Year Y’all!

Yes, I know it is already February, but whatever. The end of December was all about family. Our oldest daughter got engaged!! January was a blur. Between moving our second oldest to her new college, starting the Spring semester myself, work, and *waves hands erratically* everything else, this is the first week I have felt like my daily planner was functional and not on fire. Judging from conversations I have had, I am not the only one. So, if this is you too, Happy New Year. If it isn’t, leave me your secrets in the comments.

This spring semester is already my favorite so far. I have the opportunity to take two classes that make me all giddy inside in person – like in a real class, with a real professor, with real other students, with real conversation, with real faces.

Let me take a moment to commend Georgia Southern on the job they are doing in the current environment. The safety protocols are in place and adhered to in an effort to make everyone safe and mostly comfortable. After having my last face to face class session moved to an online format, I was worried I would miss another opportunity to take face to face classes. While I am fine completing online work, there are some areas, Lit Theory, Creative Writing, Philosophy, etc., that are just different in a relational environment. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the university attempting to make that a possibility.

Back to my favorite semester so far. Astronomy and Mythology are both online. Astronomy is one of those required core classes that I only take because I have to. Still, the material is pretty interesting so that’s a win. Mythology is absolutely fascinating, and I would have preferred to take in person. Unfortunately, my schedule didn’t work that way. However, I am lucky to have kids who have loved the subject for a long time (thanks Rick Riordan). The littlest little in particular has been especially generous with her time and conversations with me. Her insight and delivery are fantastic and having the perspective of a brand-new teenager has brought a wholly different and interesting level to the subject. And, at least for now, mom is just a tiny bit cool in the eyes of my nearly 14-year-old – I’ll take that as often as she’ll give it.

Introduction to Literary Theory and Creative Writing are both face to face. Four weeks in and my mind is blown repeatedly over all the things I didn’t know about this subject that I love. More and more often I get frustrated with my high school experience. If I had known then what I know now, I am certain I would have been an academic. While I am on my way now, it is tough to feel like I will ever have enough time to acquire all knowledge I don’t have.

As skilled as I am in this whole higher learning thing, it can be intimidating to interact with some of these kids. Granted they aren’t all kids. I have a bad habit of assuming I am the oldest person in the room. I usually am, but I consistently parlay that into an “old enough to be your mother” idea – which isn’t necessarily true. I have often couched into it because it makes me feel more secure in my knowledge, in my ability to keep up; what they have in youth and pliability, I make up for in experience. That works. Usually.

But let me tell you. There are some fucking smart kids in these classes. That’s when it occurred to me how much time they still have to become even more smart, more experienced, more everything. They have so much of their best years still ahead of them. It is ridiculous really to feel like you are on the downward slope…but I am. Unless I live to be 89, I have made the halfway point of my life.

However, I don’t dwell in this idea. I can’t. I am fairly certain that it is this very kind of thinking that can catapult a person into a full-on midlife crisis happens. Next thing you know I am shopping at Forever 21, teasing my hair, and lamenting the fact that my false eyelashes slap the inside of my no line bifocals. I have an amazing non midlife crisis life. I do not have time for all that craziness.

What I do have time for is making today count. You know I love that Rocky quote – “One step at a time, one punch at time, one round at a time.” And that’s just what I am going to do.

“One step at a time, one punch at time, one round at a time.” And that’s what I am going to do.

In that vein, there will be more thoughts spurred by schoolwork here. In my Creative Writing class, we have to keep a writer’s journal – something I always meant to do, but, well, you know. But now that this writer’s journal is a requirement for a grade, a different part of my brain has kicked in. No way am I going to let the fear of writing something stupid get in the way of my 4.0 and seeing my name on the President’s List. I have hard stuff like science and math attempting to do that. But sitting down and writing a minimum of 150 words a day? Please.

In addition to the journal, we also have writing projects which he (and sometimes the class as a whole) critiques either in class or by the professor depending on the time we have. Ok, so let me be super honest and tell you the “in class” part was a surprise. And not just to me. The first time (meaning the second day of class) Dr. Morris posted one of our pieces up on the projector saying, “Ok, let’s go through what you all turned in,” there was an audible tightening in the room. And he did just that. He went through each person’s submission and read it aloud to the class. That shouldn’t be a big deal – it was.

That part has gotten easier and the class is becoming a lot of fun. Dr. Morris is fantastic about just giving us permission to have fun and suck. There’s a pretty good bit of freedom in that allowance – especially given the fact that we are spending quite a bit of time right now writing poetry. That is amazingly uncomfortable to me. I haven’t done that in almost 30 years, and it isn’t good. But have fun and don’t be afraid to suck helps. So does two fingers of scotch. I don’t even care how cliché that sounds. It is just that accurate.

Dr. Morris also gave us permission to post/publish/workshop our work outside of class. I wasn’t sure that was going to be allowed. But true to his teaching style, he just wants to see us enjoy the process and improve. He’s kind of great that way.

I say all that to say that if you start seeing stuff that looks a little different, that’s where it is coming from (or at least how it started). Also, up until now, everything in here has pretty much been my voice, my life, my truth. My person, if you will. Now, there will be things that are not my truth but my imagination. Dr. Morris (and I assume a whole host of other people) call it my persona. Just figured I’d give you a heads up before you ran across something and your brain flipped into “What the hell is going on with April?”

Or maybe the true stuff does that enough anyway so you don’t even notice anymore. Either way, Happy New Year, y’all!

P.S. Here’s the Creed clip…still proving that every life lesson you need to learn is in a Rocky movie

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: , , ,

Confronting Fear

September 9, 2018 by

It isn’t always comfortable or easy – carrying your fear around with you on your great and ambitious road trip, I mean – but it is always worth it, because if you can’t learn to comfortably travel alongside your fear, then you will never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic.

I have a hard time with fear, mostly because I have a lot of it. I find that unfortunate as I believe it is one of the two primary emotions. And if I am fearful, if the majority of my thoughts are fear based, how much capacity can I have for love, the other primary emotion? Is a person’s emotional capacity finite? Does a person who feels a large amount a fear handicap themselves from being able to feel large amounts of love?

I want the answer to that question to be “no.” I want to sit here (in fact I have already tried) and say that I think that a fearful person is as capable as a less fearful person to express, receive, and process love based thoughts. And the best that I can do is to acknowledge that it might be true for some people.

It is not true for me.

I do not travel comfortably along side my fear. We are not road dogs. We do not have a working relationship. The secondary feelings my fear produces are not helpful. It does not energize, motivate, provide productive adrenaline, or excite. My fear is in no way functional.

I can recognize fear when it presents itself in the “normal” ways in response to the “normal” things I am afraid of. That is typical fear and, for me, falls more into the instinctual “fight, flight, or freeze” dynamic that I think is normal and appropriate for most people. It is the less obvious instances that create journey difficulties. In those situations, I am learning to recognize when fear is the dominate force. If I am feeling overwhelmed, indecisive, melancholy, or distracted, I am more than likely operating in fear. Unfortunately in these nuanced situations, I am still only able to assess this truth outside of the moment, after behaviors have been decided and choices made. Not ideal.

But I think I have discovered a strategy that may help in becoming less fearful – at least for me. Funny thing about it, it’s super scary. Let’s see if I can coherently walk you through my thought process…

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.
~ Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

In all the things that Brene has ever said or written, this one point has resonated with me the most. I have found it to be 100% true and I have successfully employed it a number of times. My ability to handle shame laden feelings has become quite proficient if I do say so myself.

In Brene’s research on shame, she has created a definition that I think works: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

She more simply states it this way – Shame is the fear of disconnection.

So if shame is the fear of disconnection, then I can deduce that shame belongs to the primary fear and not the primary love. And if speaking shame works to neutralize it, then maybe the root emotion fear has the same Achilles’ heel.

*Note – I originally wrote “dispels” instead of “neutralize.” I think recording that edit is important. Shame, fear, are never dispelled. They always exists somewhere in some form. It is unrealistic for me to set the goal as “I will never be fearful.” I do not need to find a way to make fear nonexistent. I need to find a way to remove its influence in my decision making. The better goal for me is to transform fear into a decision neutral force.

In considering this thought it occurs to me that fear rarely gets named or called out. We hear the questions “are you okay,” “what’s wrong,” “is everything alright” and the like. What if the question was, “What are you afraid of right now?”

In considering areas of my life where I know I need improvement, time management is a big one and has been for quite a while. I sat with that one this morning and couched the idea in the new “what are you afraid of” strategy. The issue sprung open like seedling that was just looking for the right path to the surface. The obstacles were obvious. I suck at time management because I am afraid of choosing the right priorities. I am afraid when I do choose, I will execute the choice poorly. I am afraid that my choices will inadvertently reveal some actual truth or misconstrued truth about me that cause others to feel negatively about me. I am afraid that I will fail in following my schedule and appear incapable, undisciplined, lazy.

That’s a lot of bullshit going on when all we are talking about is taking a pencil to my calendar and deciding whether I want to put my gym hour at 0800 or not.

Let me say that to myself again – all we are talking about is where to put my gym hour, in pencil.

Let me say that again – a penciled in gym hour creates fear that I will be unloved, judged, disconnected.

Seriously? AYFKM?

And now the time blocked doesn’t seem so scary.

Understand I am not sitting here feeling a rush of “Tada!” I understand that this is just one thing and it feels successful right now. It has also taken about 72 hours of occasional idea rolling and three solid hours of Thinking Chair sitting to deduce that I will not lose the love of my life, my family, and my friends if I pencil in the gym on my calendar. That’s not exactly efficient. But it is a start. It is a step. This morning, I’ll count it a win.

Filed Under: Chrysalis Tagged With: , , , , , ,