Uncaging Courage

What’s got your courage caged? I have been walking around in a fog for days trying to figure out how I am going to walk into the new year with no real answer or where to start or where I want to go.

Couple of things (not literally because I am not sure how many things I have). First, this time of the year is always amazing for me. My brain is perpetually opening loops. Therefore, I have to be consistent about closing them or they will drive me absolutely crazy. They hook into each other and mesh where they have no commonality. They will bleed into each other creating their own new brand of loop that seems real but it completely fictitious. They will connect together to form themselves into big giant distractions of paralyzing mazes of “what if”s. Therefore, I have made it a habit each year to take the six days between Christmas and New Year’s to wrap up the old year and make welcome the new. Kinda like a cache clean out or a car detail. Not so much a focus on resolutions or declarations, just a little wash down.

Second, I haven’t been able to write lately. I know I have all these ideas about writer’s block and making time and schedules and priorities. But I just didn’t have it in me. Not being able to write, not having the words – or rather, not letting the words have me – create for a tough time of untangling thoughts.

Third, well, life is pretty great. I am a blessed woman. I am safer, more loved, better couched, more stable, than I have ever been. So when my brain goes into the all the “should” – I should be better to myself, I should exercise more, I should be more productive, I should have more accomplished, I should focus, I should be a better (insert whatever role happens to be forefront at the moment) – I begin to feel guilty for being unappreciative of all my haves. It takes a minute to get to the point where I remember that life is not a vacuum. Many things can be true at the same time – even when they seem to be at odds with each other. I could be more intentional about my gratitude practice – that does not mean I am ungrateful. There are improvements I can make. In fact, it is my belief that there are always improvements that can be made – that does not mean my place in life isn’t magnificent.

So now here I am, the second to the last day of the year, and I have spent more time than is typical trying to find the first word, the first idea, that will act as the catalyst and detangler for all the other ideas. That momentum that closes and sorts loops into something I can use when I sit down with my Happy Planner without feeling completely overwhelmed and deflated.

To that end, I have found a few things. The first was from my journal, the second from my husband, the third from a woman I don’t know. They have come together to give me just a hint of where I need to start. I am currently 539 words in attempting to avoid writing the truest sentence I know. The sentence that is clogging up everything else…

I am still afraid.

There it is. That’s not so bad. Actually, it sucks pretty good. I hate everything about it except that it’s finally released from my fingers. It has been haunting around my head for a few months now waiting to be acknowledged as the next thing that I really need to deal with. I said it once to my husband. Well, I didn’t really say it. I wasn’t very direct so it didn’t really do what it needed to do. I called up my therapist who I have not seen in over a year and asked if I could come by, but I didn’t say it at all then. I have heard it echo loudly in my brain more than once, but never gave it the space it needed.

But, I am still afraid. I am more secure and more loved and happier than I have ever been. My bent towards fear should be straightening out. Interesting thing I am learning – fear follows the same rules as all other energy. You can’t just dispel it – it has to be transformed into something else. The dispel part was great. I regained my life, my heart, my peace of mind. It is good. However, I have so much more to lose now, if I were to fall, the drop is steeper, the stakes higher. There is no longer that fear, but there is this fear.

I have found that I have gone back to editing myself to protect against the scary things. Not in the whitewash, fake way I used to (win!) but in a subtler way that leaves me feeling a bit muted. It is frustrating to be in this place but I am finding encouragement in the real things. Most importantly, this edit, while not ideal, is more palatable as it is a condition I place upon myself versus the feeling of being put upon. While there is fear and cautious movement, it is of my own doing and therefore in my control. Realizing you are in control of nothing but yourself is a powerful position if you understand what you are working with. It is also scary because there is no scapegoat – it is all you.

Now that I have that out of the way, I have some decisions to make…some truths to figure out.

“What’s got your courage caged?”

That one is easy – fear. Fear has my courage caged.

I want it to keep being easy. The next obvious question is, “Fear of what?” This is a question I ask myself regularly. However, it is usually in response to a particular situation, feeling, instance. Tackling it as a 360 degree life view is something else entirely. It’s deeper, rooted in soil I haven’t turned in a long time, shaded by uncertainty, and covered in years of push down.

What I do know today is that I do not know the answer. If I had to guess, there’s probably some fear of loss, abandonment, attachment, and just a general fear of being unworthy of love or goodness. Unfortunately, even if that turns out to be right, I have learned I can’t dispel it by simply naming it. I have to understand it, I have to overcome it and convert the negative energy into a usable one.

While it may not seem like I have made any real headway in this journey today, I can assure you it doesn’t feel that way. The questions that may come up may not always be fun, but they are necessary to keep out the crazies. And that negative kind of way? I’m just going to keep leaning into the support that I couldn’t be more thankful to have. Hello 2020…let’s see about uncaging some courage…