She dared to look up and the stars were a million darting eyes on the lookout for rule breaking in her story. Sexism, ageism, racism, tokenism, ableism, plagiarism, cultural appropriation, fat shaming, body shaming, slut shaming, vegetarian shaming real estate agent shaming. The voice of the almighty internet boomed from the sky “shame on you.” Francis hung her head. “It’s just a story,” she whispered. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” said Jillian.
I am not yet finished with the latest book from Liane Moriarty, Nine Perfect Strangers. But if it gives me nothing more than this small passage, the book is a huge win for me. For days, I (and everyone else in the internet world) have been considering and declaring a “focus word” for 2019. This idea has worked well for me the past few New Years. I appreciate its contemplation more than the act of making resolutions (although I am pretty sure the difference is just semantics).
At some point between the wedding and New Year’s Eve, my word came to me – Respond. Since then, I have tried desperately to work out how to explain myself truthfully while not being unintentionally offensive or judgey or condescending or hurtful or superior or passive aggressive or belligerent or self indulgent or selfish or…or…or…or…
My nouns and verbs, as they are prone to do lately, keep getting hung up in the “or”s.
Actually, it isn’t just lately. I routinely find myself holding my tongue in (what I try to justify as) thoughtful contemplation. When the idea of “the pause” became so popular, I was all in. When the memes make fun of the brilliant retorts conjured in the shower days after a conversation, I relate at the bone marrow level.
I wish I could tell you there is a singular good or bad reason I do this so that I could then declare I will continue to always do it or am working on not doing it anymore. That definite, pointed course of action is way easier than the truth.
The truth is I do it for a variety of different reasons, some productive and some not, in a variety of different situations, some positive and some not.
At its core, my pause is who I am as a person; my hesitation is a result of fear. Being able to quickly decipher which action is truly going on in the moment is difficult for me. Therefore, in order to hedge my bets, I do nothing.
I have gotten comfortable in the “do nothing.” I realize it isn’t the healthiest idea for me and is probably unfair to those that encounter it (and the residual emotions that follow). I rely on it anyway for the immediate gratification that I am not really doing anything irrevocable and can revisit it later. Except I don’t revisit it later. I crash up against it because I have ignored it until it becomes an immovable force that insists a reckoning. It is typically far larger than its original size as it grows and compounds until its size is one that I can no longer pretend isn’t there.
To be fair, it isn’t always quite this monumental. Sometimes it is as simple as seeing a text or a call that comes through that I just don’t immediately reply to. However, that too grows. It starts as a simple, “I don’t want to do that right now,” or a legitimate, “I am in the middle of something and I’ll get to it in a minute.” Except then I don’t and then when I simply must, it is accompanied by this overwhelming sense of guilt that I really should have sooner. And, despite my insistence to the contrary, I have done something irrevocable. “Sooner” is something I can’t get back. “Sooner” is something I can’t achieve. It is already now.
And therein lies the goal of the “response.” Of being present and in the moment. Of being authentic and intentional. Of being fearless, or at the least, less fearful. I am blessed beyond words with the people in my life. I have the most amazing tribe of friends. My family is beautiful and strong. My husband…my husband…my husband…he is the rock, the safety, the catalyst.
In the not so distance past, when I stepped back and looked at all of the wonderful people I have in my life, I felt fear first – not gratitude or love, but fear. That’s a fucked up place to be. However, when you are convinced that you will do, say, be, the wrong thing, when your experience tells you that one unintentional misstep, one misunderstood action leads to the removal of affection and instant condemnation, you learn to be afraid. You learn that being nothing is better than being the wrong thing. When love is conditional and weaponized, fear is all you get.
Fear creates the “fight, flight, or freeze”. While I am a fighter, it is not my first choice where love is concerned. I am most assuredly a “flight or freeze” girl. I am typically, without a response.
Mike loves me unconditionally. It took me longer than is fair to him to believe that. It has taken me longer still to learn how to get comfortable inside of that. It is requiring me to learn all over again who I actually am, without all the self judgement and fear. It requires me to respond in the present because I am in the present. Those who are in my circle deserve a response. Moreover, they deserve for that response to be authentic with follow through.
The old adage imparts the importance of letting your “yes” be a “yes” and your “no” be your “no”. The prerequisite for that, of course, is a response. In 2019 I am focused on the response. In that is the trust of myself and those who love me best. In that is the freedom to release a whole bunch of crazy fear and confinement and step into this life of love, connection, and growth. It is permission to show up as myself, completely, and know that being myself, in all its variety, nuance, loud, quiet, soft, hard, absolute enoughness, is what those who love me, including myself, deserve.